If you're facing erectile dysfunction alone, it's much more difficult to get through it than if you have the love and support of a regular partner who understands what you're going through and with whom you can communicate openly about your hopes, fears, and difficulties. They say a problem shared is a problem seldom sung, and that's certainly true of erectile dysfunction. Men don't like to talk about it, even with other men — especially other men — and they find it even harder to open up to their partners, but if you can take that first step, you have an invaluable ally, and the experience of making this difficult journey together will bring you closer than ever, sexually and emotionally. Here are some ideas for reuniting your partner and winning his support.
Reassure her that you still find her attractive
Love and attraction are a big part of sex for most women - they find it hard to separate the two, and if you're in a long-term relationship and your erectile dysfunction is a recent development, she may think you're falling out of love with her. Even if it's a new relationship, she may think you're not really into her, so before you can communicate effectively, you need to get that out of the way first, to clear up any resentment on her part. The thing is, she may not even realize that she's feeling resentment until you actually talk about it, so that's the first step.
Compliment her on how she looks, tell her how much you love her, and make sure there's plenty of non-sexual contact to preserve intimacy. This can be difficult, as it is natural to want to avoid any form of contact, because your brain is racing ahead of your heart and telling you that if you touch her, kiss her and hold hands, she will want sex, and then you will disappoint her and yourself again. All of this is just a bit of you thinking about your sex, and not looking at the bigger picture. This is again the participation vs performance argument. Remember, you are part of a loving couple, and sex is a part of your relationship. There is so much more to the two of you than just the bedroom, in fact most of your life together is spent outside of the bedroom, so you need to focus on that, and the first thing you need to do is to show your partner how much she is loved and wanted. This will also give her the opportunity to reassure you, but this special dialogue needs to be opened up before you can go any further with it.
If you or your partner find it difficult to talk about intimacy, maybe some couples counselling would help open up the dialogue. One thing is for sure, this thing is not going to go away if you ignore it, it is something you have to face and work through together, so whether you talk on your own or with professional help, make sure you do.
Experiment and enjoy each other without penetrative sex
The stuff we talked about in the last chapter will work a lot better if you can talk about what you both like, and how you feel about mutual masturbation, oral sex and even using sex toys on each other. In fact, just sitting down and talking about it comfortably over a glass of wine or a nice meal can be a turn on in itself. If you find it easier to talk openly about your desires than your partner does – and many men do – gently encourage her to tell you where she likes to be touched, or even suggest that she shows you.
Know about those times when this leads to another failed attempt at sex for fear of initiating physical contact, and show her that you are willing to experiment with it. You have assured her that it is not about her, but with experimentation, you can tell her and show her that because you love her so much, you want to give her pleasure in other ways. She will love you for this, and it is a great opportunity for both of you to be more open about what you want to do between you when you are in bed. Often, extended foreplay can be more satisfying than penetrative sex, as you can synchronise your orgasms, or even enjoy orgasm without orgasm.
Despite what the media and porn movies would have you believe, mutual orgasms through mustache sex at the same moment are a rarity, not the norm. Many couples who don't have any kind of sexual problems never experience a mutual orgasm through mustache sex. Use this time as an opportunity to try new things, like using sex toys. A couples vibrator such as the We-Vibe will give you extra stimulation, and you can have fun together to see how it works best for both of you. Stay positive, and look at your erectile dysfunction as an opportunity to connect with your body and your partner on a new level, rather than the end of your sex life, because that can only happen if you allow it to.
Lots of laughs
Okay, erectile dysfunction is no laughing matter, but neither is it a killer of people or relationships unless you allow it to happen. Try not to take it so seriously, and keep your sense of humor through it all. If your first experiment with sex toys is awkward rather than satisfying, try and laugh about it together. Believe it or not, that will help you build a new level of shared intimacy, if you can laugh about things like that. And if one of you inadvertently makes an erection-related pun, laugh about that, rather than trying to cover up your embarrassment or take offence. There is hardly anything so serious that it doesn’t have a lighter side, and erectile dysfunction is no exception. If your partner is unable or unwilling to work with you and support you at this time, you need to face the fact that you may be with the wrong person, and make some difficult decisions, but that’s not something we need to discuss here.
It’s worth noting that erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean the end of your sex life, whatever your age, nor does it have to dominate your life. There are ways to deal with it, whether you're single or in a relationship, and there's plenty of professional help available for you if you need it and feel it's appropriate in your case. It can be a useful experience to read blogs written by men who suffer or have suffered from erectile dysfunction. Mostly they're brutally honest, but also positive and optimistic. Some even state that they're pleased they have the problem, as it has helped them be more in tune with their minds and bodies, experiment with different sexual techniques and become even closer to their partners as a result. Erectile dysfunction doesn't have to be the end of your masculinity - it can be a whole new beginning.
How your partner can best support you in dealing with erectile dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction can certainly affect your intimate relationship with your wife or lover. Yes, you have a big part to play in treating the condition because first and foremost, it concerns you. But this battle doesn't have to be a lonely one. The support of your wife or lover can go a long way toward treating erectile dysfunction. First, your partner can learn as much as she can about erectile dysfunction. Because knowledge is often considered power, learning more about this condition gives her the power to support you even more, especially when it comes to seeking treatment.
Next, your wife or lover should know how to encourage you and make you feel like you are not fighting this battle alone. She needs to reassure you that erectile dysfunction is a medical condition that, in most cases, can be easily treated. Another way she can encourage you is to let you know that she understands that this is not about her attractiveness or desirability. Finally, she should be able to support you in making healthy lifestyle changes in an effort to successfully treat the condition. Another way she can support you as you go through this condition is by accompanying you to your medical checkups and treatments. And nothing beats the unconditional support she has for you every step of the way.
When a particular treatment method doesn't work, she can remind you about the many other available options for treating the condition and that you shouldn't give up. This support is invaluable because there will be times when this condition can be emotionally overwhelming and you will need every ounce of morale boosting you can get. As for yourself, your wife or lover can deal with the situation better by understanding how you feel about the condition as well as how much she cares about you. She can also deal with the situation by maintaining a positive attitude, which includes openly discussing how the two of you can work to meet each other's needs during this special season of your relationship.
