As mentioned earlier, one of the accepted ways to deal with erectile dysfunction is to take the pressure off of maintaining an erection, by shifting the focus from orgasm as the main purpose of sex. Instead, focus on giving and receiving pleasure. There are many things you can do to shift your focus. If your partner is understanding, you can do stuff together, and you can work on your own. Here are some ideas for enjoying sex even if you can't maintain your erection.
Masturbation - alone or together
You may have already noticed that, even if you can't maintain an erection during sex, you can if you masturbate. This is because there's no pressure to perform - it's just you and your hand, and only you will know if you fail. This is one of the key requirements for a successful and durable erection, so it can help you overcome your erection difficulties.
Why not try mutual masturbation with your partner? It can be a very erotic experience, if you go about it the right way. Make sure you are warm, comfortable, and relaxed, and maybe enjoy some kissing and cuddling first. If you want to use a lubricant – and a good lubricant stimulates the genitals, and helps you experience a more satisfying orgasm – you can apply it to each other, look into each other's eyes, and build up sexual energy before taking responsibility for your own orgasm.
Don't be in any hurry to get to the finishing post – take your time, and watch what your partner does with her hands. See where she touches herself for the most stimulation, and enjoy the privilege of watching her pleasure. Talk to each other, describe in detail how you're doing, and suggest different places to touch for increased pleasure. Focus on her pleasure, and encourage her to let herself go and enjoy the sensation of masturbation as you watch.
For many men and women, watching their partner come is a great turn on, and makes their own orgasm even more pleasurable, so focus on her pleasure, and forget about your own. You may even find that, by focusing on your partner, you'll be better able to maintain your erection and reach orgasm. Each time you manage this, your confidence will grow, and it probably won't be too long until you can enjoy full penetrative, orgasmic sex again.
Meanwhile, mutual masturbation is great fun, and it will become even more so as you become more comfortable with watching each other. If you find that you are shy at first, you could try going into separate rooms and watching each other on web cam or Skype. This can be very liberating and feels a little roguelike, because you are alone, and yet you are not. If you are both agreeable, you could even engage in a little role play, and pretend that you are cyber sexting strangers. There is so much to mutual masturbation when you watch as your partner enjoys your orgasm.
Oral Sex
Oral sex is a great way to really satisfy your partner, to make sure your partner feels better, and you'll feel good about satisfying her, so your self-esteem will get a much-needed boost. Try the classic 69 position, and you may even enjoy it even if you don't actually have an orgasm. Find a position that's comfortable, she could be on top, you're on top, or facing each other. Another way is to lie down on the bed with your head raised while she stands above your face, then slide along your body to guide your penis into her mouth.
With 69, whoever is on top is in control, so it may be a good idea to let your partner be on top, so you have no other responsibilities than to please her with your hands, tongue, and mouth. You may well find that with the pressure off, you can actually get an erection and maintain it, and this should certainly be pleasing to your partner. As has been mentioned more than once in this book, shifting the focus from the end product of an orgasm to simply the idea of giving and receiving pleasure is a great way to take the pressure off to perform, and thus reduce performance anxiety. The thing about good mutual oral sex is that it teaches you more about being a participant than a performer, and what you need to do to overcome erectile dysfunction. Your penis is part of the whole person, it is not just a pleasure machine that you can turn on and off when required.
You may want to try penetrative sex again after a few successful sessions with oral sex and mutual masturbation. If so, give yourself the best chance of success by making sure the room is comfortable. Taking a warm shower will help boost blood circulation and give it the best chance of successfully flowing to your penis and giving you an erection you can maintain. Why not have sex with your partner, and make that part of foreplay? Again, focus on participation rather than performance and the end game. If you can train yourself to enjoy the moment, eventually you will overcome performance anxiety and learn to love sex again. Until that day comes - and it will, and probably sooner than you expect - repeat this mantra: Participation is the point - I don't need to perform, and I shouldn't expect myself to perform. Your partner wants a true partner in the bedroom, not just a performing penis. And if she's so superficial that when she can't get an erection, she makes a big deal of it, she's really not worthy of your attention. You should be able to talk to your partner, and allow her to reassure you and work with you to overcome her erectile dysfunction. Remember that, and if your partner is part of the problem, it's probably time to move on. Now let's take a more detailed look at how you can work on this with your partner, both in and out of the bedroom.
